Too Far To The Boosh
by LixiPixi
Summary: Noel makes the wrong phone call and finds himself in the land of euros, the nabootique and his very own king of the mods. Rated K for occational naughty word! COMPLETE!
1. Calling in sick

**First Boosh fic!**

**Got the idea for this when I read a story somewhere else with an actor/character meet-up. It was really fun to read so I figured I'd try something the same, but different.**

**It's impossible to get real people in character, but I tried my hardest. I decided to make Noel like Vince, but a little more masculine and sarky. Don't worry, he'll lighten up later!**

**Please R&R and enjoy!**

**(oh, and I don't own the boosh, incase you didn't know)**

Chapter 1

Noel tucked his head down a little into the collar of his jacket. He was becoming increasingly late to one of those nice fancy meetings that made him actually feel important for a couple of hours. He didn't usually end up contributing much, he would just doodle on the free notepad they provided. Anyway, the meeting was at 3, it was already ten past, and he wasn't even nearly there.

Another reason for the collar-tucking was to keep himself to himself just a tiny bit. He usually didn't mind socialising with people on the street, and receiving endless compliments about his hair and attire, but he was so late, he couldn't really afford even a minute-long chat with a passing stranger.

An ominous rumble came from the dark clouds lingering over London. Noel gave them a panicky glance and made to look at his watch. But unfortunately, he had bypassed the completely over-rated wrist watch in favour of a beaded bracelet he had forgotten he owned. But he still knew he was late. Pretty much the entire Boosh team relied on his being unreliable, but when he wasn't at those meetings, it usually meant that all the important decisions were made without him. Decisions like deciding the next meeting would be at 8am and at some big office he had never heard of. He cringed inwardly at the mere thought.

As had been suggested by the previous weather description, it wasn't long before the Autumn air turned icy cold and it started raining thick sheets of sleet, which quickly set about soaking through every available surface. Including Noel's hair.

"Shiiiiiitt..." He moaned through the collar of his jacket, wishing for once that he had gone for the disgusting but evidentially more protective anorak, rather than the studded leather jacket he had chosen before leaving the house.

"Right. There is no way I'm walking there now," He said defiantly to no-one in particular. He took shelter in a graffiti covered BT phone box that smelt suspiciously of dead rats and beer and began quickly combing his fingers through his hair whilst trying to formulate a plan. He'd left his phone at home, it needed a new battery or charger or something, so it wasn't working anyway. Noel decided the best plan of action was probably just to call a cab. There was a poster slapped on the side of the phone box, with a list of cab companies in the local area. One was circled in black marker, like someone had used it before and wanted to remember the number so they could receive such excellent chauffeuring once more. Well, Noel hoped that was the case.

He dialled the number nonchalantly, pulling his leather jacket a little tighter around him, the phone box was hardly resistant to the storm outside. _Man, it's colder than I thought, _he thought to himself, resting on the glass side of the box. It was a really horrible bitter cold, and his jacket wasn't doing anything to stop it. He shivered from head to toe and his teeth chattered harshly against each other. His thick black fringe was cementing itself to his forehead with a cold sweat. He could feel a horrible metallic taste in his mouth. He tried to swallow it down, but his mouth was dry and his tongue felt like sandpaper against the roof of his mouth.

The voice on the phone was asking questions that Noel couldn't understand. It just sounded like a pneumatic drill coming from the receiver, which he dropped quickly, like it was a burning hot plate.

Why had he even left the house if he felt so ill? He pressed his forehead against the cool glass of the phone box, watching raindrops come in and out of focus in front of his eyes. The drizzle became softer and softer in front of his loose vision, before disappearing completely.

- - -

Noel woke up what felt like hours after he had passed out. At first he felt a lot better, and his fever seemed to have passed, although the metallic taste was still there, and he felt very thoroughly unsettled. _So much for getting a taxi..._he laughed to himself, shifting into a sitting position and coming to grips with the horrible realisation that he had been sat on the wet ground in his favourite pair of black skinnies.

He pushed open the door of the phone box and poked his head out to get a breath of fresh air and judge how hair-ruining the weather was. Amazingly, it seemed to have taken a dramatic turn. The air was warm and still, although the dark clouds were still present. They shifted across the sky slowly. The clouds were the most amazing shade of deep purple. Noel could have sworn they were exactly the same shade as a tin of paint he had in a cupboard at home, which had never used but bought because he liked it. It had been called _Plush Velvet_. He had picked it off the Dulux colour chart with care.

He admired the _Plush Velvet_ sky for another minute, transfixed by the way the clouds swirled slowly across the sky. Noel finally remembered that he had places to go and stuff, and so pulled himself to his feel with a swiftness that is not recommended to people who had just passed out temporarily. Sure enough, his stomach gave a worrying lurch and he could taste acid at the back of his throat. He clapped a hand to his mouth and doubled over, his other hand hanging on to the door of the phone box for support.

"Whoa mate, are you alright?" Said a voice from somewhere on Noel's left. He took a moment to breathe slowly and settle his stomach before straightening up and looking the stranger in the face.

"Yeah...I just felt a bit-"

He couldn't continue his sentence. The words turned around and jumped back down his throat, leaving a small gasp in their place.

Noel was thoroughly used to people dressing the same as him and doing their hair like him, it was the price to pay if he was going to look good, other people would want to look as well. But this was just weird.

They guy peering into Noel's face was the same height, save a couple of inches added by some seriously cool Chelsea boots. He had the same kind of clothes, although maybe this guy was a little more outlandish and attention-seeking (if that was possible). Noel was actually admiring his clothes, he managed to make his clothes clash slightly, so they created a noisy statement, whilst still managing too look sophisticated and not garish. Noel was about to ask what had inspired him to mix prints like that when he took a look at the stranger's face. He was practically identical. The only difference was the this guy was all airbrush and polish where Noel was all five 'o clock shadow and last night's eyeliner. Plus his hair was slightly differently styled, he had a softer fringe and it was a big shorter. Other than that, it was doppelganger central.

"Your hair's wicked," smirked the stranger, showing teeth that matched Noel's (but whiter), "I was actually thinking of going for the bolder fringe statement just the other day...what's your name?"

"Noel," he answered quickly, still stunned about the similarities between him and this randomer. He had once heard someone say that everyone had someone in the world that looked like them. But fashion-sense was going a bit far.

"Cool...I'm Vince," he said, offering his hand, "Vince Noir."


	2. Two Mods: One Cupboard

**Second chapter, yay!  
Thank you to everyone who reviewed, they made me want to update nice and quick and so I did!  
Anyone who wants to leave crit or ideas, feel free, I'm always open to opinions.**

**I'm from Leeds and I don't own the Boosh**

Chapter 2

He was joking. He _had_ to be joking. Maybe his friends always laughed with him, telling him he looked like Vince, so that was his nickname or something. Noel tried to find a single plausible reason why this guy looked just like him, called himself by his characters name, yet seemed completely serious and genuine.

Noel considered himself a good judge of character (whether he actually was one was a different argument) and he was pretty sure this guy was completely serious. There was no glimmer of recognition in "Vince"'s eyes. It didn't seem like he knew who Noel was at all.

"Are you alright?" Vince frowned, when Noel didn't respond for a worrying amount of time. Vince thought he look ill or drunk or something, the way he was all unsettled and very slow to respond. Noel straightened up properly and hitched his low-rise jeans up a bit, before deciding he might as well take this Vince seriously, and just see how things panned out.

"Yeah, yeah...I just felt a bit dizzy all of a sudden," Noel mumbled, and then remembered why he had been in the phone booth in the first place. His stomach felt like it had flipped over when he realised how late it must be. "Oh Jesus, have you got the time?"

Vince held up his wrist in front of Noel's face. On it was a great looking silver bangle.

"No watch...but a pretty cool bracelet, don't you think?" He grinned, but then noted the serious look on Noel's face. "But it's about five...you going somewhere?" Vince asked, tilting his head to one side and twisting a strand of hair around his index finger. Noel gave a groan and covered his face with his hands. The meeting would be over now and everyone would just be shaking their heads at his absence, and commenting happily to each other about how unreliable he was.

"I was going somewhere...not anymore," he guessed he should probably start heading home or something, but he felt compelled to keep talking to Vince, in hope of figuring out the reason behind him looking so identical to his own character. Noel could hardly decide on what to ask him first. "Have you heard of the Mighty Boosh?" Noel quizzed Vince, going for the obvious question first.

Vince responded by giving him a really weird look.

"That's like asking if I know any humans..." said Vince eventually, raising an eyebrow. He gave a smirk and laughed out loud, "Why? Haven't _you_ heard of the Mighty Boosh?" Vince gave a demonic giggle at what he saw as his own clever joke and looked at Noel. Vince didn't know why, but for some reason, Noel looked even more confused than before he had asked the question.

"Ok...this is a weird question...but can you just tell me what it is?" Noel asked, fishing for an answer whilst trying not to sound like a complete twat. He failed miserably.

"Um...well..." Vince searched his brain desperately for a way to describe it. It was like trying to explain the immortal genius of straighteners in three words. "Well...it's like...everything." He smiled, satisfied with his definition. But Noel still looked confused. Vince decided to go for a friendly analogy. "It's like...all the craters and stuff on the Moon are all the Moon...well all this street and all that sky and that phone box and my bracelet are all the Boosh."

Noel now looked a cross between amazed and even more confused. Vince decided to show off his all the knowledge he had gained in year 3 primary.

"Well it goes Sun...that other planet...that other one...the Mighty Boosh...Moon...Mars and then Xooberon...right?"

Noel's jaw dropped from just below his bottom lip to the floor. Vince grinned, he figured that Noel was truly astounded by such a detailed and insightful understanding of the universe. It was true that such knowledge had got him out of many tricky situations, and gained the love of many a misguided girl. He grinned smugly.

Noel closed his mouth and tried to process the information he had just received. He was still damn sure that Vince wasn't having a laugh...and if he thought about it...it kind of made sense...Vince was there...and it was definitely Vince...Noel could tell his own grin when he saw it.

"You're telling me..." he began, watching Vince very closely for any sign that he was joking, "that this..._this_...is the Mighty Boosh?"

Vince pushed his tongue into his bottom lip. A powerful non-verbal sign that meant he thought Noel was the teeniest bit on the thick side. No, take that back, he was well and truly on the thick side. He must _live_ on the thick side.

"I'm telling you...this _is_ the Mighty Boosh!" Vince shook his head in frustration, "Are you having me on or something? Now where were you off? Maybe I can give you directions seen as you don't know your left from right..."

Noel shook his head. If he really was in the Boosh, as Vince insisted he was, his home wasn't there, nor were any of his friend's houses. Everything would be priced in euros, and all he had on him was a crumpled fiver and some change anyway. He couldn't believe he was actually trying to figure out the exchange rate from pounds to euros in his head. Shit. What was he actually going to do? This was the craziest problem he had every been presented with. His inner turmoil shone through clearly on his face.

"Listen...you look pretty clueless, if you don't mind me saying. Do you want to come back to my place? You can use my phone...straighten your fringe...it's looking a little bit wiry...and my mate will sort you out with something if you still feel ill."

Noel felt very relieved to be given a decent plan of action. Plus, it gave him an excuse to find out more about the Boosh...like if he was actually in it and if any of it made some sense.

"Yeah...sure...thanks," Noel said to Vince quietly. They both smiled identical smiles simultaneously.

- - -

"...so that's why Nicky Clarke is in everyway superior to the GHD model!"

"You know...that's exactly what I said to the guy. But he said that Nicky Clarke lacks the versatility of the new GHD styler...and I'm like...why would I need curls when the straight look is such genius?"

Noel was beginning to understand why he had always loved playing Vince so much. He was _such_ a legend. The two of them bonded over their '50 favourite songs of all time' list whilst Noel sorted out his fringe with the everyway superior Nicky Clarke straighteners. It was so weird sitting in the flat that he himself had designed. It wasn't a really cheap telly studio set anymore, it was an actual proper flat. And pretty cool it was too. Noel decided the real world could get over his temporary absence whilst he chilled out with all the cool characters he had taken time to create. Though he had only met Vince so far, Naboo, Bollo and Howard were all out.

So far the only differences he'd noticed between himself and Vince were their fringes, plus Vince was slightly thicker and more naive and generally less subtle. Noel couldn't really say he minded, it was nice feeling more intelligent than someone, especially when they were otherwise your exact equal. It was really tough acting like he didn't already know all the people who lived in the flat, although he had successfully piped up _"he's a shaman, reeeeaaally?"_ with the correct amount of curiosity, but he also mentioned Bollo's name before he was actually told it, meaning to had to convince the very easily manipulated Vince to believe he had already mentioned him.

They were just about to start a discussion on Topman vs. Topshop when footsteps sounded on the stairs leading up from the shop. They had a slightly northern feel to them, those footsteps, the kind that only a Leeds-born author could correctly describe. A unique timbre, you see.

Vince gave a panicked glace towards the door and then around the flat.

"Ahh...it's Howard, and I told him I would clean up the flat while he was out!" Vince quickly jumped to his feet (which were covered in a pair of ugg-boot style slippers from River Island) pulling Noel roughly with him. "He'll go mad if he finds I'm hanging out with friends instead of cleaning...let's just pretend I'm out!" Vince flung one of the kitchen cupboards open and climbed inside, beckoning Noel to follow him.

"You're mad, no way!" Hissed Noel, not dead keen to sit in a cupboard for hours. Plus, how would both of their hairstyles fit?

Vince grabbed Noel's wrist and pulled him into the cupboard next to him, pulling the door shut just as the front door opened and Howard stepped in.


	3. A Fashionable Face

**Woohoo, next chapter!  
Thanks to everyone who reviewed, y'all make my day.**

**I like to watch the Boosh, but I don't own it.**

Chapter 3

"And you're sure it would be much worse just to get told off?" Whispered Noel fiercely, after what felt like hours in the tiny cupboard, with his knees digging into his chin. For once, he wished he was fat, at least then he would have a relatively comfortable knee to rest his chin on, instead of the bony affair he was currently experiencing. "...plus, the smell of your hairspray is making me feel faint."

"Alright, alright, easy! I've done this loads times before. We just wait till Howard goes to his room or the bathroom or something, then we go over to the front door and pretend like we've just come in."

Noel seemed to have spotted the obvious problem much earlier than his alter ego. Howard had entered the flat (dressed in a stunning ensemble of beige cords and a printed shirt in shades of mushroom and mustard, the likes of which Noel had never seen, it was a true achievement in the world of vomit-inducing shirts) and he had then made himself comfortable on the sofa, before turning on the TV. He could be there hours.

Noel adjusted his position so his pointy elbow was poking Vince right in the side.

"Yeah...Einstein...he's sat watching TV...how do you know he's gonna move at all?" Hissed Noel, frowning. Lit by the gap between the cupboard doors, Vince's face dropped. Noel rolled his eyes and attempted to shift in a way that would mean the blood circulation returning to his legs. His foot slipped from under him and jammed itself in the corner of the cabinet in a way that stretched the muscles in his calf in a very painful way. "OOWWWW!" He yelled out, forgetting out the fact they were hiding.

Vince let out a little yelp and quickly clapped his hand over Noel's mouth. But it was too late, as Howard had already assumed an incredibly puzzled look from his spot on the sofa.

To be honest, he'd already figured something funny was going on. Both the doors of the shop and the flat were unlocked, despite the fact that apparently no-one was in. Also the straighteners had been left out and turned on and the sofa was covered in crumbs and sweet wrappers. But Howard knew Vince would regularly leave the doors unlocked, his straighteners out and on, and a mess around the flat, so that didn't really worry him...but he had spotted something...something that shocked him to the core...it had alerted him to something being very wrong...it was...a piece of paper _with calculations on it._ It was only a short calculation and it was incorrect, but still far, far beyond Vince's mathematical ability.

(The paper belonged to Noel, who had been trying unsuccessfully convert pounds to euros without actually knowing the current exchange rate).

Howard pulled himself up from the sofa quickly, heading directly to the cupboard. He had often heard the odd rustle coming from there, and now this explained the connection between that and the cleaning that hadn't been done in the flat. He took hold of the handles of the cupboard and threw the doors open. There was an expression on his face like a parent who had just could their teenage child sneaking in at 3am.

"Hey Howard," grinned Vince sheepishly, waving with his free hand, the other was still covering Noel's mouth. Howard had to admit to himself that he was surprised to find Vince in the cupboard with...Vince.

"Hi Vince...and hi..." he raised his eyebrows at Noel.

"Nfffghll," mumbled Noel, his voice muffled by Vince's still present hand. He stuck his tongue out and gave Vince's palm a lick.

"Euurghh! Why did you do that?!"

"You wouldn't move your hand! I have younger brother...he taught me that one.." Noel freed his foot and the rest of his body from the cupboard. "I'm Noel," He answered finally, rubbing his ankle. Howard had the obviously confused look of someone who had just found his friend in a cupboard with a friend who looks the same as his friend. Confusing, I know.

"Um..." Howard wondered whether he should point out how similar the two looked, but decided against it, it would over-complicate the situation, "...nice to meet you Noel, I'm Howard." He gave Noel an unsure smile.

Noel gave an equally un-sure one back. It was incredibly weird seeing the face of someone you had know for years staring at you like they had never seen you before. Even though he had. He had seen Vince, hadn't he? Noel shook his head to himself, offering Vince a hand to help free him from the cupboard within which he still resided.

"Soooo Howard...I may have forgotten to clean the flat..." Vince started, shrugging his shoulders in a forgivable way, "But you see...erm...Noel wanted to..." He searched his mind for an excuse.

"See the inside of the cupboard!" Noel interjected, offering Vince a verbal helping hand. "I just love cupboards. They're like...my hobby. Back at home, I'm know as Noel "the cupboard" Fielding. It's just what I like to do!" _That was appalling, _Noel realised to himself, _that was an excuse worthy of Vince himself._

"Right..." muttered Howard, giving Noel a look like he had escaped from the local asylum. "Vince, can I have a word?"

"Sure!" He smiled to Noel, "I'll be back in a minute, you can watch TV or something."

Howard pulled Vince by the arm away from where Noel was, into a quieter corner of the room.

"So...made yourself a little friend, Vince?"

"Yeah," grinned Vince, "He's gonna stay a day or two, he's stuck here you see. He's pretty genius, we like all the same stuff!"

"Right..." said Howard, despairing internally over Vince's completely oblivious nature. "You notice anything about him, Vince?"

He thought to himself seriously for a minute.

"Well, it did strike me as strange that he manages to carry off that bold fringe with such a strong jaw line. Normally you would have expected him to go for a softer fringe to make his features appear more gentle."

Howard resisted the temptation to bang his head against the wall.

"That...that's not it, Vince." Howard willed him to get the message. "Do you think that perhaps the two of you look a little alike. A little _too _alike. Exactly the same, perhaps?"

"Yeah..." said Vince dreamily, glancing at Noel a couple of times. "But you know, I've got a fashionable look."

"What about the fact your faces are the same?" Howard asked, an eyebrow raised.

"I've got a fashionable face too!" Vince insisted, shaking his head to himself as if finding your double was the most natural thing in the world and Howard was fussing over purely trivial issues.

"Yeah, but you can't exactly get it in Topshop can you?"

"Well _no_," said Vince with a sense of the tone that said 'duh'. "Where would you put it? Would it go with scarves and hats or with jewellery and accessories? You've got to consider these things before you go suggesting thick ideas, Howard."

Howard could no longer resist, and thumped his forehead against the wall with a worrying _thwack._

- - -

Noel shifted about so he was laying on his side, and then on his front, and then on his back. He wished he had chosen a more comfortable sofa to belong in the Boosh flat. Vince had been kind enough to offer him the sofa to sleep on that night and for any further nights he required it. To be honest, he had no idea how long he would need to stay there. Just until he figured out how to get home. _Shit, everyone must be wondering where I am. They'll have tried to ring me after that meeting. Plus, they'll be looking for me now, expecting me to be out with my friends. And when they figure out that I've not gone out, they'll be _really _worried. _Noel had met Naboo and Bollo just before he had gone to bed. They had seemed unconcerned about his and Vince's resemblance. Bollo had complimented his hair.

There was no point. He couldn't sleep. Noel decided the best way to get rid of his restlessness was to go for a bit of a wander. After all, it wasn't going by his sleeping pattern to be in bed this early anyway, and he wouldn't be able to sleep for hours. Noel rolled off the sofa and started searching in the dark for his skinny jeans.

- - -

Outside, the sky was that same "Plush Velvet", but a couple of shades darker on the Dulux colour chart. It was dotted with stars like fairy lights and the moon hung low in the night's sky. Noel walked the streets, thinking over his unusual situation to himself. If he went back to the phone box and made himself fall asleep or something, would he end up home again? And when he got home, how on earth was he going to explain his absence? Everyone was going to be a mixture of pissed off and worried, and a half-arsed excuse wouldn't cut it. Noel was so deep in his thoughts he almost crashed into a group of guys loitering on a street corner.

"Oi, watch it!" said the loudest of them, who reminded Noel instantly of Donny Tourette, the front man of the punk band Towers of London. Perhaps he was the Boosh equivalent. "Ha! Well if it isn't..." He grabbed Noel by the collar of his leather jacket, "...Vince Noir!" The rest of the group of guys gave gruff woops and laughter.

"Well it _isn't_ Vince Noir," Said Noel, stepping away from the big guy, wrenching his jacket collar out of his hands, "And don't touch my jacket, you prick." He wasn't about to take crap from a wannabe Donny Tourette.

"Well. Vincey's got a bit of a mouth on him!" Laughed the guy, turning to his mates to laugh with them as well.

"I told you, I'm NOT Vince," said Noel firmly, trying to control the anger that came with people mocking him.

"Well you sure look like him..." said the guy, shaking a almost-full bottle of beer in Noel's face. "And you talk out of your arse like him...yeah...and you know...I never liked Vince Noir..."

"I'm sure he doesn't like you either..." said Noel, rolling his eyes.

The guy gave a sarcastic laugh, before throwing the contents of his beer bottle all over Noel, soaking his hair, his jacket, his t-shirt and his favourite jeans in cheap beer

"You. Absolute. Twat." said Noel slowly, he couldn't control his anger anymore and went to smack the Donny-look-alike. Unfortunately, he missed, and the guy smashed his empty beer bottle against the wall, leaving the jagged bottle neck in his hand.

"Well. Vince or not...let's see how you look with stitches in your pretty face..."

Noel couldn't do anything else but run.


	4. Back to the Phone Box

**Next Chapter done.  
Sorry if this one sucks a bit, it was written in a rush and I didn't have time to proof read. Plus it's one of those rubbish plot-point chapters.**

**Thanks for all your reviews, they make me happy and promise a better chapter next time.**

**I have to clean my house and I don't own the Boosh...**

Chapter 4

_Great, I couldn't just keep my big mouth shut, could I?_ Noel reprimanded himself as he ran as fast as his legs could carry him. Unfortunately, his favourite jeans were also his tightest and they limited his stride somewhat. He didn't dare turn round to find out if his new best friends were gaining on him. By the sound of them, they were pretty drunk, and probably not too athletic, but he wasn't going to take any chances. He could still hear them shouting after him. _Why couldn't I have designed the Boosh in a way that made it really, really safe? And we could just go on really fun and harmless adventures...like an episode about a trip to HMV to buy a new cd or something. _

A sharp pain in his side was rapidly growing and Noel knew he wouldn't be able to keep running much longer, he was trying to breath and keep going but his lungs didn't seem to be behaving themselves, and refused to take in any oxygen. He raced around the corner on to a street he recognised, and spotted the phone box that was clearly a key feature in this author's storyline. _Perfect!_ He flung open the door and jumped in, crouching as far down on to ground as he could, so that those guys wouldn't be able to see him unless they actually opened the phone box door.

Noel pushed himself as flat against the floor as he could, and took a moment to note of how disgustingly he smelt. A mix of that cheap beer and sweat from running too much in tight jeans.

He could hear them. They weren't running anymore. They walked slowly up the street, talking loudly and incoherently about what they were going to do to Noel when they found him. Noel resisted the temptation to stand up and start telling them what he thought of them. He figured it probably wouldn't go down to well. They were standing right next to the phone box now...Noel's heart thumped painfully against his ribcage...it was so loud he was sure it would give away his hiding place.

"Come on..." said the voice of one of the guys, "he's gone...an' I don't think he'll be coming back now..."

There was a mumble of agreement from the rest of the group, and Noel listened intently to the sound of their footsteps and voices fading away down the road. He let out a huge sigh of relief and let his head rest in his hands for a moment while he regained his breath and composure. Once he was done enjoying his new found appreciation for life, he stood up and tried to remember the way back to the flat from the phone box. He had been too busy freaking out over Vince to pay attention when he was walked there, and try as he might, he couldn't remember the way. Funnily enough, Noel wasn't too keen to walk to streets guessing his way, when there was a group of lovely guy looking to do him in. _Maybe I should ring Vince, get him to give me directions back?_ He had the phone number for the flat scribbled on the back of his hand from earlier on...but no euros...

"EFFING EUROS!!!" Noel yelled at the phone box, quickly gaining a hatred for one of the Boosh's running jokes. But as he searched in his pockets for some saving grace, he caught sight of the instructions on how to use the phone.

_To make a call, insert at least 10p in 5p/10p/20p/50p/£1 coins..._

_It's in normal money?_ Noel checked and double checked the sign, he had definitely read it right. He took a closer look at the phone box in general. There was a poster on the wall, listing numbers for cab firms, and there was one circled in marker, just like the one he had started in. But he recognised the circled number, it was one of the cab places he used all the time back home, he remembered putting the number on speed-dial when he first bought his mobile phone. But why did a phone box in the Boosh have the number of a cab company that was back at home? And why did he recognise these numbers, but not the ones on the side of the phone box he originally got in?

It was enough to give anyone a headache. Noel figured he would try dialling the taxi place, to see if the phone box actually worked, or if it would only ring places in the Boosh. He slotted in a 20p coin and dialled the number.

It was ringing...

"Hello, Ace Taxis..." said a bored voice on the other end of the phone. Noel jumped so enthusiastically he almost bumped his head on the top of the phone box. It rang home! It was ringing home! It would ring places...back home! He didn't know quite what to say to the guy on the other end of the phone.

"THANK YOU!" He ended up screaming, before jamming the phone down. Noel knew the poor guy would probably think he had just answered the phone to a psychopath, but he didn't care! He was trying to decide who to ring first. It needed to be someone who would actually believe a word he said and whose number he knew off-by-heart. He was pretty much used to relying on his mobile to remember phone numbers for him._ Julian!_ Noel could remember his number! He quickly pushed a handful of coins into the machine and picked up the receiver, dialling the numbers as quickly as he could without making a mistake.

"Pick up...pick up..." he mumbled at the ringing phone. He was sure it was going to ring off on to the answer machine at any moment...

"Hello?" said a very weary voice of the other end of the line.

"Julian!" yelped Noel, never so happy to hear his friend's voice. He tried to think of a way to explain his whereabouts in a few simple words.

"Ugh...Noel...do you have any idea what time it is?" Julian mumbled, with the distinct tone of someone who had been woken up by a very loud phone ringing.

"Um...no..." he answered honestly, putting more coins in the machine when it gave an impatient beep.

"Well it's 4am. Ring me tomorrow with your excuses please..."

Noel bit his lip, Julian sounded annoyed, but he couldn't really afford postponing the conversation, plus he didn't know what Julian was on about.

"What excuses?"

"Your excuse as to why you missed the meeting today...we couldn't get anything done without you there..."

"Well I-"

"And your excuse for not turning up for drinks tonight...we were waiting AGES...and you wouldn't turn on your phone..."

But it-"

"And now there will also be an excuse needed as to why you are waking me up at 4am when I have to be up at 7..."

Noel fought to get a word in edgeways. Julian's rambling was using up his change, and he didn't have any more after that. He searched his back pockets for the crumpled fiver he was sure he had, but it wasn't there, he must have lost it or something.

"Listen, Julian, I'm sorry...but I really couldn't make it...you see I got stuck somewhere...like...I met Vince! And Howard!" He tried desperately to explain his situation before the balance on the phone ran out, but it was a long story and he didn't have much time. "I got stuck with them...'cause I was in a phone box...the one near M&S...and I need you to ring the number that has a circle around it..."

There was a silence from the other end of the phone.

"Are you drunk?" asked Julian, clearly pissed off at his friends unreliability, "Because I'm really tired and don't have time for this..."

"No Ju, don't hang up!" Begged Noel desperately, searching in his pockets for just one more coin, but they were empty, and Julian had already hung up the phone.

Noel sank down the side of the phone box, until he was once again sat on the floor. He couldn't be bothered to try and think up a plan. That was all he seemed to be doing these days; sitting on the floors of phone boxes and trying to formulate plans.


	5. Morning People

**Chapter 5, and I reckon this will be my half-way point!**

**I know I said this chapter would be better, but I had to get a load of plot in again and I've been really busy.**

**But I promise, the next chapter will be better!**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed, I haven't had time to reply to any but I want to thank you all anyway.**

**Oh, and The Mighty Boosh are hijacking the Big Brother house on the second to last day, make sure you watch!!!**

Chapter 5

"Morning sunshine...oh GOD, you stink!"

Noel was woken up by the glorious sound of Vince's constantly enthusiastic voice and a sudden weight about his shins. It was the last thing he wanted to hear at that exact moment. He had been stumbling through the streets searching for the flat only a few hours earlier, eventually he had found it, but it seemed like his head had only just hit the pillow when he was woken up again. He was woken by some terrible news, _Vince was a morning person. _The worst kind of person! The problem with morning people is that they never understand the troubles of night people, they wake you up by jumping on your bed and telling you that you stink, and then expect you not to mind one little bit.

"Mmmmfff..." mumbled Noel from under his blanket. He, in contrast, was most definitely not a morning person. He really wanted to tell Vince to get the hell off his legs, but the gift of speech had yet to grace him. "MMMMmmmff!" He mumbled again, a little louder, in the hope that Vince could translate that to "get off my legs, you berk".

"Vince!" Called Howard from across the room, his fingers clasping the handles of several mugs of tea and coffee, "That noise means that Noel wants you to get of his legs...tea or coffee, Noel?"

"Urghhh..." Came a voice from under the blanket.

"Right, coffee it is..." said Howard, with the understanding tone of a night person who had to endure Vince-the-morning-person every day.

Vince finally moved from his position on Noel's legs to sitting cross-legged on the floor, watching the TV intently, like a five year old from the nineties watching the amazing Saturday morning TV that used to be on.

"You do stink though..." said Vince childishly, accepting his cup of tea from Howard and not moving his gaze from the TV. Noel finally surfaced, poking his head out from under his blanket, with his hair sticking up in all directions. Vince was right, last night's excursions had left their mark in the form of dark shadows under Noel's eyes, and a delightful bodily odour.

"Urghhh...god..." he groaned, rubbing his eyes and then running his hands through his hair, which would not be fit to be seen by human eyes until it had been washed, blow-dried, straightened and finished.

"...well feel free to use the shower then," said Howard, handing Noel a steaming cup of strong coffee.

- - -

A few hours later, Noel's body had accepted the whole concept of being awake, and he sat in front of the TV with Vince knelt behind him, straighteners in hand. Vince was about the only person in the world that Noel could truly trust with perfecting the back of his hair, he usually wouldn't let anyone near it with any potentially hair-ruining implements. That included everything from hair dryers to hands.

"You know, I admire you, I wouldn't let _anyone_ near the back of my hair," said Vince, applying Vidal Sassoon's Diamond Polish sparingly from the roots to the tips of Noel's hair.

"Well...I get a kind of good hair vibe off you somehow," explained Noel, trying to think of a way to say it other than _well we have exactly the same hair, so I would hope you were quite familiar with it._

"Cheers Noel," smiled Vince, finishing off his work with a spritz of Nicky Clarke Flexible Hold Hairspray, "There we go...I think I'm done," he stood up and moved a few paces away, admiring is work from a far, "You know, I'm liking the bold fringe, I might go for it when I need a change from my current style."

"Sounds like a plan," Noel checked the back of his hair with a second mirror behind his head. Unfortunately, he had to abandon the shallow conversation on hair to get to the serious issue about how he was going to get home. Obviously, the secret lay in the phone box, but he needed money to even get that far, and he didn't have any left. He would need to borrow a bit of change from someone, but he didn't know who in the Boosh would have pounds and pennies. His answer came in the form of the diminutive shaman who sat himself down on the sofa.

"Hey Naboo, can I ask a favour?" asked Noel, hoping that Naboo was as laid-back as he had always imagined him. He had discovered that a few things in the Boosh had kind of decided themselves. For example, Noel had never decided that Vince should be a morning person, but when he thought about it, it made sense, as he had written that Vince was always quite cheery, and of course that should apply to all times of day.

"Depends what it is," said Naboo, changing the channel on the TV to some sort of mtv-esque music program and straightening his turban with the hand that didn't hold the remote.

"Could you get your hands on some foreign money? Like...pounds and stuff?"

Naboo looked uncertain.

"I have some, but it's really rare. I couldn't afford to give it to you...sorry." He gave Noel an apologetic look and turned back to the TV. Noel almost gave up then and there, and accepted that the rest of his life would be spent living in the Boosh flat with Vince-the-morning-person and he would have to make his living as a Vince Noir look-alike. But the original Vince Noir stepped in to help out with Noel's plight.

"Aww, come on Naboolio, he's a legend, you can spare a few for him!" Begged Vince, tugging on Naboo's arm and sticking out his bottom lip in an adorable pout. Naboo looked like he was warming to the idea a little more. Noel went out on a limb, figuring that Naboo would never figure out how to make him follow up on his promise anyway.

"Listen...lend me the money...and I'll bring you twice the amount back! You like two-pound coins? I've got loads!"

Naboo's eyes widened slightly at the concept of an even rarer coin. For a while he had doubted the existence of the legendary two-pound coin, but hearing Noel speak of it with such certainty meant that it had to be true.

"Alright," he said, pulling himself up from his position on the sofa and heading towards his bedroom, "How much do you need?"

- - -

Noel had a huge grin on his face as he tried the cab numbers on the wall of the phone box one by one. He was finally going back. Sure as hell he was going to get a lot of grief when he got there, but at least he could finally relax and sort stuff out. He wondered whether to even try explaining to Julian what happened. He would probably dismiss it as one of the weird things that Noel just came out with from time to time. _I've been missing for about 24 hours now, people are going to be freaking out...oh god, what on earth am I going to say to the?_. He took a moment to try and think of a single plausible excuse. Got lost? A lot?

He shook his head to himself, but decided to put those thoughts on hold and actually concentrate on getting home in the first place. He dialled the next number on the list, and before he knew it, that horrible cold, shivering, feeling had returned, it was like being hit by the flu, literally hit by it. He leant against the side of the phone box with his gaze fixed firmlyon the floor and wished the feeling would pass quicker. Cold sweat...ruining his freshly styled hair...then that horrible metallic taste again in his mouth...the concrete floor of the phone box was spinning...then it blurred...and faded to black.

- - -

It was like waking up from those horrible dreams you have when you're ill. Just waking up from something like that is enough to convince you that you're actually dying. But then comes the relief that you've finally woken up and it _was _all a dream. It had been real though, Noel realised when he ran his fingers through his hair and it was still soft and held in style by Vince's expert handling. But there was still that relief, he leant out of the phone box into the fairly busy street and took a breath of the car-exhaust flavoured air. A business man pushed roughly past him, whacking Noel on the arm with his briefcase and not stopping to apologise. _Ahh...London..._he mused to himself, thankful to be back, although it was far from the idealistic nature of the Boosh.

Noel stepped out of the phone box and stretched, making a mental note to forget the whole thing and _never_ to use the phone box near M&S again. It was nothing but trouble.

He had only just pushed the phone box door closed when a huge crash came from inside it. Noel jumped away with shock, but the people in the street just kept walking on, like they hadn't heard anything. The door swung open again, and a figure stepped out, rubbing his head and checking the cowboy boots he had chosen to wear that morning hadn't been damaged by his crash into the phone box wall.

He looked up and smiled Noel's own smile right back at him.


	6. The ClingOn

**Chapter 6 is here!**

**And today is the day I attempt to stop justifying my bad chapters...but I have had exams!**

**Thanks for the reviews as always, you all win at life.**

**I'm really tired and I don't own the Boosh.**

Chapter 6

Noel closed his eyes and squeezed them tight shut, hoping he had just imagined what he had seen. He opened them again. No luck, Vince was stood there, as clear as the people sweeping past them on the street, with a mischievous smirk splashed on his face. Noel didn't know where to even begin telling him off, he had hoped so much that this would be the end of it all.

"What...no...ahh!" He started and stopped again, the words didn't seem to be coming out of his mouth in the way they were supposed to. He was wondering whether it would be best just to turn around and start running in the hope that he would lose Vince altogether, but he couldn't risk having his twin wandering around London completely clueless. "What...what are you doing here?!"

"Missed me?" Vince joked, hoping to see his friend crack a smile and welcome him with open arms. He noticed Noel's apparent horror and dropped the smile right off his face, deciding he was probably better leaving the jokes out if he wanted to keep his limbs unbroken. "Naboo said you, unlike me, have untrustworthy eyes. He wanted to make sure you paid him back."

Noel didn't even bother pointing out the massive loophole in that sentence, he had learned that Vince didn't really understand the ridiculous degree of their similarities, he just seemed to see it as someone having the same jacket as you or something. All Noel knew was that he would have to get rid of Vince, and _quick. _He couldn't even imagine what the headline in Heat magazine would be. They would have an absolute field day.

"Listen, you absolutely have to leave, like _now_!" Noel panicked, rushing over to Vince and attempting to shove him straight back in the phone box, whilst throwing worried looks over his shoulder to check that no one had recognised him...them...quite yet. Unfortunately Vince was having none of it and he stuck the heels of his cowboy boots quite firmly in the ground.

"What? No!" He protested, pushing Noel away and settling his hands firmly on his hips. "I let you stay with me, now it's only fair that you repay the favour...now which way to your place?"

A quiet scream of frustration came from the clearly more stressed of the two raven-haired mods. There was no way he was going to be able to get rid of Vince. He was like a little kid, and if there's one thing that kids can do really well, it's cling. Noel had no choice, he was just going to have to stick with Vince and try and keep him out of trouble. Noel pulled his leather jacket off roughly and threw it at him.

"Ok...ok...put that on, and keep the collar up, tuck your hair in and pull your hat right down over your forehead..." Noel reeled off instructions quickly, taking every possible precaution he could to make sure that no one spotted Vince. "If anyone stops to talk to me, just keep walking like you're nothing to do with me and I'll catch you up." He put his hand on Vince's shoulder and looked right into his eyes to show that he was deadly serious. "And don't say a single word to _anyone._ Don't even look at people...if you so much as acknowledge another human's existence then I will actually kill you. Or kick you really hard. Or both."

- - -

It was definitely the most stressful walk through London ever. It was bitterly cold and blowing a gale, and Noel certainly suffered, as he had given his jacket to Vince. Luckily, he was only stopped by one or two people and Vince was exceptionally well behaved and kept himself to himself the whole walk to Noel's house, which looked amazingly welcome after being away from it for too long.

Everything seemed amazing. The familiar sound of the door slamming shut. The comforting warmth that was central heat. All Noel really wanted to do was go change his clothes and then collapse on the nearest available comfortable surface and sleep for a few years in the familiarity of his own home. But he had the small matter of Vince to deal with. Noel walked over to the small bowl on the table next to the front door, it was where he usually threw his keys and anything else that he would happen to have in his pockets. He picked a handful of change out of the bowl, including a couple of two-pound coins. He grabbed Vince's wrist and forced the money into his palm.

"_There_. Now go home!" He said in an 'and-that's-final' voice and turned away to go and check the messages on his home phone. He couldn't wait to get rid of the whole pressure of the weirdness of the past day and concentrate on the problem of what he was going to say to his friends. Noel felt uneasy when he didn't immediately hear the sound of the front door being opened and closed. He spun round and glared at Vince, who was still stood there, with a slightly puzzled look on his face. "I said go home!" Noel insisted, getting increasingly frazzled by the whole situation.

"Well I would..." started Vince, a sad look appearing on his face similar to that of a puppy that has been kicked. "But...the phone box needs euros...and...I forgot to bring any..."

"Well we can sort that out. We'll go down to the post office and change some pounds for euros..." Noel congratulated himself for such rational thinking and turned to the calendar on the wall to check the date and how many days he had free to sleep through. Vince shuffled nervously, feeling awkward at how angry Noel was. To be honest, he didn't really understand why...his world seemed pretty similar to this one, except in this one, Noel was transformed into a paranoid lunatic. Vince almost jumped right out of his skin when Noel let out a high pitched squeal.

"What? What?" questioned Vince hurriedly, thinking he was in store for some terrible news. Noel was practically sobbing, with his finger pressed on a date on the calendar that read: _Good Friday. Bank Holiday (UK)._

- - -

About five minutes later, Noel hadn't quite finished venting his anger through bad language when the phone gave several piercing rings.

"Should I get it?" asked Vince nervously, hoping somehow to get back in Noel's good books through phone-answering favours.

"No...no...it's hardly going to be for you..." Noel mumbled, picking up the receiver in a surprisingly calm manner. "Hello?"

"Noel! Have you ever heard of picking up your phone once in a while?" It was Julian, sounding a lot more laid back than he had been the night before. Noel gave a sigh of relief, he was worried that Julian would be so annoyed with him that he wouldn't be speaking anymore, but it seemed that all was forgiven in the morning. Still, he had to think of an excuse for his disappearance. Wait...why didn't he just tell the truth? Now Vince was here, he had proof...haha, teach Julian to accuse him of being drunk! He was gonna give him the freaking out of a lifetime.

"I let to let it ring for a couple of days...gives an air of mystery about me," Noel joked, instantly more relaxed now he had a brilliant prank planned.

"Very good. Air of mystery successfully achieved. Now am I going to get an reason for why you've been absent?"

"Yeah...sure...but I can't really talk on the phone for ages. Can you come over?"

"I suppose...twenty minutes time good enough for you?"

"Yeah. That's great. Got to go now, bye!"

Noel put the phone down with a devilish grin on his face. He was also planning to get Vince with his joke too, to punish him for being so irritatingly clingy. He turned to look at Vince, who was taking a look at the items of clothing that had been carelessly flung on the hat stand by the door.

"Vince...I'm going to take a shower...you go and help yourself to anything in the kitchen. I'm expecting a friend over in a bit, so if he shows up can you just show him into the living room or something? He's a nice guy, I reckon you'll get along with him..."

Noel skipped up the stairs in the direction of the bathroom, suppressing the urge to laugh like a James Bond villain.


	7. Which is Which?

**New Chapter. Yayyyy! Sorry that this has taken forever, but I've been busy and been tired as a result of being busy.**

**It's a little short, but the next chapter will be up sooner than this one was, I promise.**

**I need to go buy some lunch and I don't own the Boosh!**

Chapter 7

The bathroom door shut and locked behind him, Noel turned on the shower and sat on the toilet seat, waiting. He wasn't actually going to have a shower, as he'd already had one that morning, but he was going to use it as a sort of observation point. The kitchen was directly beneath him, and if put one ear to the floor, and his finger in his other ear, he could hear all that was happening on the floor below, all be it a bit muffled and echoed. At that moment, all that was happening was Vince humming some song to himself and pouring something into a glass. Noel figured he had at least ten minutes before Julian got there, and used the time to change out of the clothes he had been wearing the past day and night, which still smelt of the beer that had been thrown on him.

Downstairs, Vince was ambling around the kitchen, nosily opening and closing all of the cupboards. He wandered over to a cork notice board that was hung on the wall with bills, letters and photos pinned to it. Vince pulled out one of the tacks out of the board and paper and photos fluttered to the floor like leaves. He gave a yelp and dropped to his knees, picking up the things and trying to arrange them as they had been before. One of the pictures came loose and drifted across the floor. Vince crawled across the floor and grabbed it quickly, before it could disappear under the fridge or dishwasher. He caught it finally and took a look at it. It was a snapshot taken on the set of the Boosh, Noel and Julian with their arms around each other on one of the days they had been filming the desert island episode. Noel had was peeking devilishly up at the camera through his fringe with a cheeky grin on his face, and Julian was doing a sort of parody of Noel's expression, the long strands of hair from his wig falling in his eyes.

But to Vince, the picture didn't make much sense. Why did Noel have a picture of him and Howard? Even weirder, Vince couldn't ever remember the picture being taken. Had someone taken a picture when they had come home and he just couldn't remember? Vince's thoughts were interrupted by the front door opening and slamming shut. He quickly shoved the photo into the back pocket of his trousers. He would ask Noel about it later.

Upstairs, Noel had only one of his legs in a pair of red jeans when he heard the door slam. He tripped over the other jean leg in his eagerness to stick his ear to the floor.

He could hear Julian's footsteps in the hall. Julian never bothered to knock anymore, he had been to Noel's house enough times to consider himself a tenant there, and the state the place was usually in was no longer shocking to him. About a week's worth of post was scattered to one side of the door. Important looking bills were hidden under a sea of shoes, none of which were in pairs and would have been much more organised if kept on the empty shoe rack which was hidden in the corner.

"Do you ever open your post?" Julian called down the hallway, compulsively moving a black Chelsea boot off one of the many ominous letters marked 'urgent'. Vince heard the voice of Howard and frowning, poked his head round the kitchen door. More questions popped up in his head. What was Howard doing there? And why was he asking about Noel's post? And how did he know where Noel's house was?

"Howard! What are you doing here?" Vince also couldn't help noticing that Howard had a brand new and reasonably presentable set of clothes on him. It all seemed so weird and sort of out-of-sync.

"You mean this isn't tescos?" asked Julian with mock shock, playing along with Noel's never particularly funny playing-dumb joke. Being called Howard didn't really strike him as weird, they called each other by their characters name all the time. Just like how they tended to call each other by their real names when they were actually meant to be acting.

"Erm...no...it's...whatever..." said Vince, trying to make sense of what Howard had just said. He pulled the crumpled photo out of his pocket, to see what his friend would make of it. "Take a look at this!" He said, handing it to Julian to look at. He responded with an are-you-insane-or-just-drunk look. He examined the photograph he had seen many times before for some sort of irregularity or mistake in it.

"It's a picture...of us..." started Julian, hoping that Noel hadn't dragged him all the way here to show him a picture that he already had a copy of at home.

"Yeah, but I found it THERE!" Vince pointed a finger at the cork notice board which was covered in photographs. Julian still couldn't understand what Noel was getting at.

"You found a photo...on a board covered in _photos_?!" gasped Julian sarcastically. "This is huge news! It'll be on the front page of the Independent tomorrow...Man Finds Photo Among Photos!" Julian joked, expecting to see Noel burst out laughing and gain a sense of realisation when he noticed how stupid he sounded. But instead, he looked slightly peeved, and snatched the photo out of Julian's hands as if he had been truly insulted.

In the bathroom above, the real Noel was laughing at Julian's joke. He wondered how frustrated to let the two of them get before he went downstairs and attempted to explain everything. Really, he just wanted to see Julian's reaction when he was greeted by Noel when he thought he was already talking to Noel. It would be genius! Noel pulled himself into a sitting position and pulled the other leg of his jeans on. He turned off the shower and unlocked the bathroom door. He could hear them a lot clearer now. Vince seemed to be accusing Julian of insulting his intelligence and trying to get across how hurt he was. Poor Julian! He always made jokes about Noel's occasional lapses of brain power, and would be very confused as to why he was suddenly taking it all so personally. Noel tip-toed down the stairs, leaning over the banister to take a little peek at the situation.

"You know what I mean!" said Vince, his voice becoming higher pitched the more insistent he became.

"I really don't know what you're on about..." said Julian helplessly, "I've seen that picture a million times before, it's always been there!"

"What?" gasped a very confused Vince, "You've been here before?!"

"Obviously, I'm here practically every day!"

"WHAT?!"

Noel decided he best put the two of them out of their misery. They would just keep going round in circles and he was worried that if Vince's voice got much higher, it would stay that way and he would have to talk like a pre-pubescent thirteen year old for the rest of his life. He thumped down the stairs loudly, letting Vince know he was coming to his rescue.

"Noel!" gasped Vince, running over and grabbing Noel's forearm to steer him towards an increasingly bewildered Julian. "You didn't tell me you knew Howard...and will you _please_ tell me why you have this picture?"

"I will in a minute, can you just go in the kitchen for a minute please Vince?"

Vince stuck his tongue out at Noel and his impatient tone, but was obedient and walked off into the kitchen, closing the door behind him. Julian seemed to have lost the ability to speak in coherent sentences.

"What...why...but...you...he...HUH?" was all he could manage, his put his hands against the sides of his head as if he was trying to hold it together. There was only so much confusion that one man could take.

"I told you that I met Vince," grinned Noel smugly, his hands resting triumphantly on either side of his slender hips.


	8. The Jaws of Death

**I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I know I said this would be prompt. As it turns out, I lied, but I've had the horrible disease knows as writer's block.**

**I'm being pestered by a three year old and I don't own the boosh.**

Chapter 8

Half a packet of jam doughnuts and some hula hoops later, Noel had managed to explain most of his story to Julian. Vince remained blissfully oblivious, only really getting that Julian wasn't Howard; he was just a friend of Noel's who looked spookily similar.

"Sooo...what are you going to do about your little friend, Noel?" Asked Julian, swinging on one of the chairs in Noel's kitchen. Vince looked up from under his fringe when he heard himself being mentioned, he had previously been reading a week-old magazine, it was the type that detailed the daily lives of Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse and had at least 3 pages dedicated to pics of famous people on nights out.

"Well he needs euros to work the phone box, and it's bank holiday today so we can't go and get any..."

Julian frowned when he thought about the situation.

"But...didn't you say that you used _your_ money in it in the first place? It got you there, so it should be able to get Vince back."

Vince's eyes widened at Julian, a definite sign for him to stop talking. Vince had cleverly lied about the phone box currency, in an attempt to stop Noel from immediately sending him back home. An article in the magazine he was reading served as a quick diversion.

"Hey," said Vince quickly, tugging on the sleeve of Noel's shirt and stabbing a page of the magazine with his finger, "It's you!"

Sure enough, there was a section on the magazine page with a picture of him, staggering out of one or another nightclub, holding on to the arm of his girlfriend, Dee, for balance.

"Yeah, I know, someone told me to buy it because I was in it," said Noel, falling completely into Vince's trap. He remained completely oblivious to Howard's observation and started a long speech and what a good night it had been and what losers the paparazzi were. But Julian wasn't going to give up that easily, despite what Vince's wide-eyed look.

"Yeah, yeah, great night…but anyway, the phone box takes normal money…you used normal money in the first place!"

Noel stopped mid-speech, and let him mouth hang open for a few moments. Vince could tell he was going to get told off and got ahead of the situation.

"I let you stay with me!" He pointed out, flicking huffily through the magazine.

"But-"

"It's not faaaaair!" Vince whined. He managed to cut off Noel's argument before it even began, and made us of the powerful technique that is the guilt trip. "I want to stay!" Vince pushed the magazine to one side and buried his head in his hands, "It's not fairrrr…I was so nice to you and you just want to get rid of me!"

Noel wasn't really sure what to do. He couldn't explain the whole complication of Vince staying with him. How could he explain that he was famous for _being_ Vince? How would he explain that Vince wasn't even meant to be real? Most distressing of all, how could he be mean to Vince when he was constantly chanting "it's not fair" over and over and over again? Vince had taken up the appearance of a puppy that had been kicked. He pulled his knees up to his chin and stuck his bottom lip out.

"Please let me stay Noel, I won't be any trouble! I let you stay at mine…" He paused before adding his new catch phrase. "It's not fair…"

Noel gave a sigh of resignation, and Julian stepped in to resolve the situation.

"Oh, just let him stay!"

- - -

Vince was very happy to stay. Being guaranteed at least twelve hours in Noel's house meant he absolutely had to get used to it. He walked through every room, opening every cupboard and questions every single thing, whether it was worth questioning or not. Noel pointed out to Julian that it was like looking after a three year old; except a three year old didn't insist on trying on all your most expensive clothes.

In the end, Noel just let Vince wander about freely, and sat down in the living room to chat to Julian, only stopping occasionally to yell "put that down!" or "get off, that hat cost more than you're worth!".

"You still owe me a drink you know, since you didn't turn up last night," Julian pointed out, as Noel returned from saving one of his favourite paintings from Vince's over-enthusiasm.

"Well, to be fair, I was otherwise engaged," He grinned at Julian.

"Yeah, yeah, but you can make it up to me…"

"Oh yeah? How?" Asked Noel, leaning back on the sofa arm, and wondering how long he would get to sit down before having to go and rescue his most precious possessions from the jaws of death aka Vince Noir.

"My mate James is having a house warming party tonight, and I'm kind of expected to go…but I don't know any of his friends…but I'm sure they're your sort of people, so will you come with me and keep me sane?"

"I would, but if you hadn't noticed, I'm babysitting tonight," Noel rolled his eyes, and winced when he heard a crash and a "whoopsie" coming from the kitchen.

"Well Vince can come too, we'll make him look different or something…"

"How on earth do you make _him_ look different? May I remind you of my attempts at dressing down?"

A memory sprung to Julian's mind; Noel in a pair of electric blue cowboy boots, insisting they were 'incognito chic' and no one would look twice. Five minutes later, Noel had already formed a small fan base.

"We'll just have to force him. Say he can't stay unless he does what we tell him…"

- - -

"No! I'm not wearing it!"

Noel held out the charcoal grey hoodie at arms length. They had been trying for ten minutes to get Vince to wear it. It had already been an hour long battle to find clothes in Noel's wardrobe that weren't so bright that they practically glowed. They had settled on the hoodie, a pair of plain slouchy jeans and a woollen beanie hat to cover Vince's precious hair. They hadn't even dared mention the latter to him yet.

"Come on Vince, it's not that bad!" Insisted Noel, although he was privately ashamed he had ever bought such a bland piece of apparel.

"But…the colour! It will totally wash me out!" Vince had a look of pure horror painted all across his face. A stranger would see his expression and think someone had just been stabbed right in front of him or some other violent and horrific act had taken place. Noel held the hoodie above Vince's head whilst Julian pinned his flailing arms to his sides. Between the two of them, they managed to force it over his head and get him to stop screaming when he looked in the mirror. It was time for the final stage of preparation. They were going to cover up Vince's hair. Julian picked the woolly hat off the floor, and held it in front of Vince's face.

"I'm sorry Vince…I wish I didn't have to do this…but it's for your own good…" He sighed, and advanced on Vince with the hat in his hands. "Noel, hold him down…"

Screams of absolute terror could be heard from miles away.


	9. The Bad Fangirl

**Check this out, a quick update!**

**This may well be the penulitimate chapter, depending on what I decide to do next, so brace yourselves :P**

**I really ought to go to bed, and I don't own the boosh!**

**p.s. any of my amazingly cool regular reviews can ask for my myspace or msn if you like, I love you guys and I wish to share the Boosh love with some of ya!**

Chapter 9

It was blowing a gale outside. Noel and Julian jogged against the harsh winds, Noel clutching his favourite cowboy hat to his head to avoid is being swept away in the violent breeze. A few paces behind, Vince was trying to maintain a huffy exterior whilst wading through the strong winds like water in a river. It was tugging his arms out of their now permanently crossed position. Noel and Julian were relieved when they finally arrived at Julian's friend's house (with Vince arriving a few seconds later as a weak form of protest). They stood in the archway of the front door for a moment before going in.

"Right, Vince," said Noel with a business style attitude, breathing on his cold hands to warm them up, "your name is Joe...your my cousin from.." He paused for a moment to think of a suitable location that would fit his attire, "...Manchester. If anyone mentions how alike we look, you just roll your eyes and say you get it all the time."

Vince didn't say anything, he just maintained his annoyed appearance.

Noel had a few more rules for Vince, "And don't go attracting loads of attention to yourself! No yelling, no getting drunk and no chatting up girls..."

Julian had a gave a short cough that sounded suspiciously like "hypocrite".

Noel ignored him and stepped in the front door.

- - -

A few hours into the party, Noel had broken nearly all of the rules he had given Vince. The music was great, and it turned out that most of the people there were people he normally went out with anyway, so he knew he was in good company. As he ducked away from the crowds to get yet another beer in the kitchen, he couldn't help feeling bad when he spotted Vince stood at the sink, fiddling with his hideous hat, and having anything but fun. Vince had been being far too obedient, and had kept himself pretty much all to himself, only mumbling his quiet lies when people asked him who he was and why he looked nearly identical to Noel.

Noel nudged Vince in the side with his elbow, pulling him from his thoughts.

"What do you want?" Sighed Vince, lowering his head so that his chin was resting on the edge of the sink. He looked less like a puppy this time, and more an old and worn down basset hound. It didn't really suit Vince at all, and felt like a personal blow to Noel, seeing what was practically a part of him so unhappy.

"I've come to see how miserable I can possibly make you," joked Noel, holding out a beer for Vince by way of an apology.

He took the beer but didn't brighten up. "Well this is pretty much it...but don't let me ruin your night..."

He reminded Noel of a deflated balloon. "Aww, don't be like that, Vincey. Come on, you're off the hook for an hour or so. Let's go find Julian and see if he's been eaten alive by the really scary scouser bird that kept coming up to him."

Vince finally seemed to have been injected with a little enthusiasm, and stood up straight and more alert, to Noel's delight. The two of them moved away from the darkened kitchen and back in to the blaring music and the pulse of the party.

They stood chatting a moving a little to the music for only a few minutes before the fifth girl of the night came bounding up to Noel, whilst her giggling friends stood a few metres away, observing.

"Hey, aren't you that Noel Fielding?" She asked, swaying slightly and standing a little too close for comfort.

_Oh god, _thought Noel, but he kept a smile plastered on his face, in order to appear the good citizen he was. "Yeah...that's me..." he gave a nervous smile and took a small step away from the girl. She was making him uncomfortable as a result of her being too young, too drunk and too unaware of the concept of personal space. Unfortunately, they were stood in a corner, and Noel couldn't move much further away without stepping on Vince.

"Oh my god! I SO knew it!" She turned and gave a knowing look to her friends, who offered a kind of admiring glace in return, as if by recognising him, she was solely responsible for Noel's presence at the party. "You are SO great as Vince...you look SO good."

Noel could practically feel Vince's urge to talk growing behind him. _He must wondering why this girl thinks I'm him and yet I'm myself at the same time...poor Vince!_ Noel decided he needed to get rid of this girl and her overexcited friends, and quick.

"I LOVE that one where you're like, on a desert island! It's the absolute best!" The girl practically squealed, stumbling a little in her heels from sheer delight. She grabbed on to Noel's arm for balance, and he very nearly shook it straight off again, but he wasn't sure he could be quite that rude, even though the girl _was _highly annoying. Noel desired nothing more than for her to shut up, but he had no idea what excuse would get both him and Vince out of the room without her following. It had to be quick, before she noticed Vince...

"Oh _wow,_ you and your friend look SO alike! You could be twins!" Her friends nodded and mumbled in agreement. _Shit_. Noel wondered how long it would take them to think from twins to clones. Luckily, one of Noel's friends chose that moment to come over, grab him and pull him away. Later he learned that his friend had witnessed his encounter with the scary girls and decided to save him. He told Noel that they needed to do another booze run, and would he like to come? Noel quickly agreed and rushed out the house so eagerly that he left his jacket, and was freezing the whole way to the shop and back. He had forgotten something else. The small matter of a very terrified Vince, who was still cornered by Noel's little fan and her gang of friends.

- - -

Noel came to, the next day, with no clear recollection of anything that happened after he had arrived back from the shop. They had clearly bough a LOT of drink, and Noel had the feeling he had consumed most of it. He woke in his bed the next morning, with no memory of getting there, and the worst hangover he had ever encountered. Any amount of light brought a searing pain through the back of his eyes and into his head. Any tiny bit of movement made him taste the contents of his stomach in the back of his throat. Any attempt to recall the previous night's events just worsened the previously mentioned ailments. All he could remember was thumping music and sitting in a circle at one point. The two things didn't seem to have any clear connection.

Noel was buried far under his bedding when he was disturbed by Julian.

"Oi, get up..." Julian said, making no attempt to lower his voice and failing to tip-toe around Noel's delicate state.

"Owww..." groaned Noel from under the covers. "Please...no sounds...go away..." He grumbled a little more for about thirty seconds, before finally shifting so his head was poking out from under his blanket. Noel looked very literally like death warmed up. The previous night's eyeliner had run and make it look as if Noel had been punched a couple of times, whilst his current hairstyle seemed to be somehow defying gravity. "Why are you here?" was the only literate utterance he could manage.

"I brought you home. I thought I deserved accommodation..." Julian smiled, and then brought out a copy of the _Daily Star_ from behind his back, the smile swiftly disappearing. "Plus, I thought you might need someone to explain to you why you have some very angry messages on your answering machine..."

Noel gave a groan, a very familiar sinking feeling appearing in his stomach. It was instant regret, even though he had no idea what he had done wrong. "What have I done now?"

Julian threw the newspaper at Noel. It bounced off the sides of his head and landed on the sheets in front of him. "Well, it wasn't strictly you..."

Noel sat up, and tried to comprehend the headline. "Britney has gone into rehab again...was this my doing?" He managed to crack a weak joke, even in the face of a physical and now emotional hangover.

"Very funny, go to page 20, column on the left hand side."

Noel flicked through the paper, before finally arriving on the gossip page, the one where they slagged off the likes of Kate Moss and Pete Doherty. It wasn't a good sign. Noel's eyes widened when he spotted the picture and the article in the left hand column. He could barely speak, the anger was so instantaneous.

"I...am going...to kill...him..."


	10. An Even Worse Fangirl

**New chapter! I lied, ****this**** is the penultimate chapter. And it's a gloomy one…this story is labelled humour and yet this chapter is more depressing than funny!**

**Judging by the reviews, I put my characters through too much trauma:  
**"**Poor Noel!" count: 7  
**"**Poor Vince!" count: 6  
**"**Poor Julian!" count: 2  
**"**Poor Vince's hair!" count: 1**

**Clearly, Julian and Vince's hair need to go through more drama to even it out :)**

**My back hurts and I don't own the boosh!**

Chapter 10

Julian didn't know how to calm Noel down. The last time he had seen him this angry, it had been in some bar, Noel had been wearing a newly bought vintage coat that had cost him an arm and a leg, and he had argued with some chav who threw his drink all over it. It had been completely ruined, and it was vintage, so he couldn't just pop out and buy a new one. Anyway, he had gone pretty mental and was on the verge of killing the guy before he was calmed down. This reminded Julian of that moment.

Noel sprang out of bed, despite his hangover and still being in the previous night's clothes, and pushed passed Julian.

"Where is he?" demanded Noel, the newspaper now crumpled in his grip, "I swear, I'll kill him!"

Julian gulped, worried at how he sounded like he meant it, and rushed over, grabbing Noel's upper arm and pulling him to one side. "Calm down, we can sort it out…just make a few phone calls-"

This, evidently, was not the correct thing to say. "Make a few phone calls!" yelled Noel, wrenching his arm free from Julian's grip so hard that it left purple thumb prints on his skin. "And say what? Oh, sorry, that's not me in the paper, it's my identical friend who just happened to be there too!" He didn't wait to hear any more reason from Julian, he stormed off down the hallway and thumped on the door of the spare room with his fist with such force that Julian thought it might come clean off its hinges. Noel looked fairly skinny and weedy, but Julian was sure he didn't want to be on the receiving end of his anger.

No sound came from the spare room, Julian supposed that Vince was pretending nothing was up. Julian had already told Vince about the story and how angry Noel was going to be when he found out. It seemed only fair to give him a bit of a warning and a chance to think up some excuse to save himself. Noel banged on the door again, despite the fact that the skin on his knuckles was screaming at him that one knock was enough. He was met with nothing but silence from Vince's side of the door, and wasn't prepared to wait. Noel flung the door open, and it crashed loudly as is rebounded off the spare room's wall. Julian saw him open the door, and stand, poised and ready to mouth-off at Vince in a way he wouldn't easily forget. He stood, paused, and then turned to Julian, the same expression he had saved for Vince on his face.

"WHERE IS HE?" he snapped.

Julian felt something in his stomach like a particularly heavy stone had been dropped there. Great, now he _was_ going to be on the receiving end. Vince must have realised the trouble he was in, and legged it. In some ways, Julian reckoned it was a fairly wise choice on Vince's part. This decision would give Noel a chance to calm down before he got his hands on Vince…or it might make him even angrier. Julian hoped, for Vince's sake, it would be the former.

"Where is he?" He demanded an answer again, although his voice was lower and a little less hostile.

"I don't know!" said Julian helplessly, "He must have heard you get up and gone…" He was never very good at lying.

"You told him, didn't you?" Asked Noel with a raised eyebrow, not believing a word. Julian decided he was probably better just admitting it, and nodded his head slowly. Noel gave a sigh, and leaning against the wall, slid down it until he was sitting on the floor. He ran a hand through his dishevelled hair. His anger seemed to disappear as quickly as it had appeared, and left behind exhaustion and the heavy weight of several problems. They needed to find Vince, plus solve the issue that Vince had left behind. Noel rested his head in his hands for a moment, before tilting his head on one side and peering at Julian hopefully as if he was looking for some magical solution.

Julian felt a rush of sympathy for his friend and lowered himself into a sitting position next to him. "We better go find him…he's nothing but trouble, out there on his own…"

"He's nothing but trouble. Full stop." Noel muttered, but offered a smile as an afterthought, turning his comment into a joke. He leant over and grabbed the phone that was on a table in the hallway. "I better check out these angry messages you were talking about. Better sooner than later I suppose…ripping the plaster off in one go…or whatever they say…"

Julian smiled at his friend's ability to make a joke whatever happened. He watched Noel's expression as he listened to the first of a few voicemail messages. It was more or less neutral for the first few, then it dropped slowly, with each bitter word on the other end of the phone, until it was so far from where it started that it looked like a different person.

Julian put his arm around Noel's shoulders, taking the phone from his hand and cutting off the voice that was playing on the other end.

"You alright?" he asked carefully, feeling like he was putting salt on an already painful wound. "We can sort it out, you know, it could be worse…"

Noel sighed, summing up the effort to speak. "Yeah, but you said that when I had my amazing vintage coat ruined…"

- - -

A car's breaks squealed loudly. It had just avoided hitting some guy who seemed to have no idea how fast cars travelled. The driver shook his head as he sped off, he wasn't going to be held responsible for someone else's stupid actions.

Vince gasped as he was sure he had just seen his life flash before his eyes. The traffic around London confused him…and he couldn't understand why the driver of that car seemed annoyed that Vince had escaped unscathed. He was shaking his head and everything! Vince was getting tired of walking around and around streets that all looked the same to him. The rows of houses all looked identical to Noel's, and he was worried that Noel would come bursting out of any of them at any given moment, effing and blinding. Vince wondered how long it would be before he could go back, and hope that Noel had calmed down and forgiven him. He couldn't really understand it anyway…why was Noel angry about something that _Vince_ had done…wouldn't Vince get blamed for it anyway?

He was so lost in his thoughts that he nearly collided with a girl on the street. He offered her a mumbled apology and was about to move on when suddenly he was knocked backwards, with his cheek burning like it was on fire.

His head was spinning as he stumbled backwards. When it finally stopped, he focused on the girl. She was young, couldn't be over twenty, and her face looked absolutely murderous. She lowered her hand to her side, and then raised it again to point an accusing finger.

"How could you do that to Dee?" She shrieked, near to tears. "I admired you so much…I can't believe it…I can't believe _you_!" Her voice cracked, and she stormed past Vince, wiping the tears away before they left her eyes, in an attempt to protect her carefully applied eyeliner.

What was that all about? Vince held his hand to his stinging cheek, fretting over the red mark that was sure to appear within a few minutes. He wished he was back home. At home, randoms didn't just come up to you, smack you, and then walk off crying. London was so confusing…


	11. Back to the Boosh

**Last chapter! cue hysterical tears**

**Hope you all enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. There may be a sequel when I start to miss writing the characters of Julian and Noel, which will be in about a day, probably ) but I don't have a single idea of what a sequel would entail, so feel free to share your ideas.**

**I'm gonna go get some cake, and I don't own the Boosh.**

**However, I do own Noel and Julian, they're in my wardrobe, fighting over frozen peas. **

Chapter 11

Vince was starting to get worried. That was the third girl that had passed him now. Each time, they would be a teenage girl. Each time, they would have the same sort of fashion sense, with a massive fringe and lots of eyeliner. Each time, they would throw him looks like he was something they had just picked off their shoe. Vince couldn't understand it, he felt like the whole word was pissed off with him and he didn't even know why. Thankfully, none of the passers-by stopped to slap him this time.

The clouds overhead gave a menacing rumble, and Vince admitted to himself that he should probably make his way back to Noel's house and face the music. The problem was, he had no idea where he was. Endless corridors of roads and backstreets were laid out before him, and they all just looked like some repetitive grey wallpaper to him. The different houses merged into one concrete mess in front of his eyes. Vince shivered, he hadn't grabbed a jacket on the way out of the house, and it was hardly sunny. It was going to rain any second. He could feel it. Vince walked over to a nearby bus stop and sat on the cold steel bench, waiting for some clue as to what to do or where to go.

After a few minutes of sitting, the chill of the metal bench cutting into his legs, he heard someone shout his name from across the road and looked up from under his fringe. Howard? No, it wasn't Howard, it was Noel's friend Julian. Vince did feel a slight lifting in his stomach, he liked Julian well enough, he seemed to somehow be able to simultaneously understand Noel _and_ Vince.

"Catching a bus?" Asked Julian, sitting himself on the bench beside Vince.

"Nah, I just couldn't find my way back," he mumbled in a horribly self-pitying way.

"I'll take you back...Noel's not so mad anymore...I think he's on the verge of understanding..."

"Unlike me," said Vince abruptly, raising his feet off the floor and tucking his knees to his chin. Julian sighed, he brought out the newspaper, having known he would have to explain the whole situation to an unfortunately oblivious Vince.

"Everyone thinks _you_ are Noel, look, read the article!" He pressed the paper into Vince's hands.

_DUMPED!_

_Comedian and _Mighty Boosh _creator Noel Fielding has been dumped by his long term girlfriend after pictures emerged of him romping with another girl at a north London party. The pictures (below) show him getting to grips with a pretty brunette despite already being in a relationship with _Robots in Disguise_ member Dee Plume. A source close to the singer said "Noel has been ignoring Dee's calls for the past few days, and these pictures are the first time she has seen him since last week. Understandably, she is very upset and this could well be the end of their relationship."_

_The Mighty Boosh's national tour starts later this year. Contact venues for tickets."_

Reading the article through didn't relieve Vince's confusion. If anything, it intensified it. Why did it keep talking about the Boosh? Vince decided this wasn't the worst of his problems and he could ask about it later.

"But I still don't understand..." started Vince, handing Julian back the newspaper, "why can't he just tell his girlfriend and everyone that it was me and not him?"

Julian sighed, trying to think of a way to explain it. "Well...let me just say, you and Noel aren't just similar looking. You're _identical_, and that just doesn't happen here...people aren't just identical for no reason. If we try and tell people that it was someone else, they will never believe us. They'll think we're mad and we'll be a laughing stock."

"Well maybe _I_ can tell them!" suggested Vince brightly, hoping he was being helpful for once.

"No, no, no!" insisted Julian, instantly imagining the chaos that would ensue if Vince went up to some journalists and announced that he was Vince Noir and Noel Fielding had nothing to do with any of this. They would think he was on drugs or just insane, and Noel would end up in some rehab clinic faster than Amy Winehouse could exit one. Julian scratched the back of his head, it practically ached from problem solving. His eyes fixed on a newsagents across the road. He tapped Vince's shoulder to get his attention. "I have an idea..."

- - -

A couple of hours later, Vince, Noel and Julian were sat around Noel's kitchen table, while Julian recounted the details of his master plan.

"...so I just say, give her the flowers and just pretend like you're Noel saying sorry-"

"-and she hit me!" Protested Vince, a bag of frozen peas held to his left eye, which was slowly turning blue and purple as more time passed.

"-yeah, and next thing I know, he's coming up to me practically crying-"

"-cause she hit me!"

"-yeah, but she took the flowers, so I reckon everything's alright-" Julian was interrupted once again by Vince's consistent complaining.

"Why didn't you tell me she would do that?" He whined, giving Julian's shirt sleeve a tug.

"Well...if I had of told you, you wouldn't have done it, would you?"

"Yeah, but I also wouldn't have come out of this with a black eye..."

Noel wasn't listening anymore. The two of them were bickering like Vince and the real Howard. He was swamped by such an immense feeling of relief that he had more or less blocked out the two of their twittering voices. It was ok. Everything was sorted out. He had been forgiven for whatever he was meant to have done, and he had also learnt that his girlfriend had a mean right hook, and it was best not to upset her again. If he could help it, that was.

"Oh my god, look at my eye!" Vince was examining his reflection in Noel's chrome toaster. It was true, it was already coming up an angry sort of green colour, and it was quite swollen. "I'll never go near another girl...she was enough to give anyone a phobia..."

"Hey!" Noel interrupted, "Watch your mouth...and here, have your peas back if it's that bad..." He picked up the bag of frozen peas and pressed it roughly against Vince's face, without too much caution in favour of his delicate condition.

"Ouchie!" Squealed Vince, "Don't do that...anyway, you should be thanking me, if it wasn't for me, you would be still be in a pickle!"

Noel raised an eyebrow, a smirk appearing on his face. "Ahem...if it wasn't for you, I would never have been in a pickle!"

"Children...children...calm down..." hushed Julian, ever the mediator. "I really think it's time that Vince was getting home, we should send him off before it gets dark."

The three of them grabbed their jackets and headed to the phone box for what would hopefully be the last time.

- - -

"You've definitely got your money?" Noel nagged for the millionth time. They were stood outside the phone box now, and Noel wanted to give Vince no excuse to come back. Sure, Vince wasn't a bad guy, but the past few days had been nothing but traumatic, and Noel wasn't dead keen to go through the same business again.

"Yeah, yeah, I've got it," Vince mumbled. He opened the phone box door and put a foot inside, but stopped for a second. "Oh, I wanted to say..." he paused to clear his throat before continuing, "...thanks...and sorry...both really. Thanks for having me..." He mumbled like a five year old thanking the mother of his other five year old friend after a particularly good birthday party. The kind with a bouncy castle and killer party bags.

Noel shook his head, but also grinned sheepishly. "It's not a problem. Don't know why you're thanking me though. I've not been my nicest over the past few days..."

"Nope," agreed Vince, with a cheeky grin that Noel had seen in the mirror every day since he could remember. "But I've still had a good time..."

"Well, thanks for saying that...now get lost," smiled Noel. Vince looked like he was about to turn round and leave for a second, then suddenly he spun round and threw his arms around Noel in an overly friendly hug. It reminded Noel of being licked on the face by a puppy. You don't really enjoy it, strictly speaking, but the mere image of the face-licking puppy is so darn cute that you let it carry on anyway. Anyway, Noel figured he owed Vince some sort of show of affection, to make up for any bitchyness that had gone on before.

After the hug had finished, Noel felt he should add his own apologies, but before he could properly gather his thoughts, with a wave of his hand and one of those cheeky grins, Vince had vanished from the phone box back to the Boosh.

Julian appeared round the corner, he had left to allow Vince and Noel to say their proper goodbyes, as hurried and awkward as they had been. Before they left, Noel pulled an old bike chain out of his bag and wrapped it twice around the phone box before adding a padlock to secure it. He tucked the key into his jacket pocket. Better to be safe than sorry, he smiled to himself.

"Come on, let's go back to yours, I long to just sit on your sofa and pass out..." Julian suggested.

"I second that," grinned Noel. "Plus...the public will still think I'm a cheating whore for a while, and I want to get away from all the dirty looks that I'm currently receiving." They hurried down the street away from a group of girls who had indeed been giving Noel looks like thunder. Speaking of thunder, the clouds gave a low growl and icy raindrops began scattering from the sky. Noel looked up at the sky from under the brim of his cowboy hat. It had a moody purple tint, it reminded Noel of the colour that Vince's black eye had been just before they had said goodbye. If he had to give it a name, it would definitely be _Plush Velvet_. He was sure he had seen it before somewhere...like a dream or something.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Asked Julian, as they turned the corner on to Noel's road.

"Just trying to remember something..." he mumbled, pulling his collar up to protect himself against the wind that came with the rain.

Julian smiled to himself, he felt the sudden need to wind his friend up about something that had happened at the party the night before. "Out of interest, do you remember anything from last night?"

Noel frowned, considering the question and the smirk that was apparent on Julian's face. "Um...up until about half way through...why?"

"Oh nothing," Julian's smile grew that little bit wider. "Nothing at all..."

"What? What is it?" Asked Noel anxiously. Clearly Julian knew something that he didn't.

"I said, it's nothing." But the smile remained. "It's just...I always knew you loved yourself...but you took it a step too far and in a very literal way, Noel."

Now he was worried. What was Julian talking about...oh god, what had he done? He began to try desperately to remember everything that had gone on that evening. Still, all he could picture was loud music and sitting in a circle at one point.

"Oh god, what did I do?" He asked desperately, grabbing Julian's sleeve as they approached his front door. Julian grinned, pulling Noel's hand from his arm. He didn't get a one up on his friend that often, but when he did, man it felt good. He decided to keep teasing for just another minute more.

"I mean, I know you're an open minded guy, but what you did...it was just _weird_..."

Noel stopped fumbling in his pocket for his keys after hearing Julian's comment. "What? What did I do!" He was becoming really desperate now, Julian could tell. His voice was growing higher and higher pitched, which was always a tell-tale sign.

"But you know, I think you did show Vince that you appreciated his presence at that party...and you definitely won _that_ game of Dares..."

The penny dropped. Noel had a horribly vivid image of what he had done. "Oh no...I think I remember..."

Julian grinned. "It's not that bad, to everyone else it will have just looked I dared you to kiss one of the girls there...he'd taken the hat off by then..."

Noel doubled over from sheer disgust, supporting himself on his front door. It swung open by his weight and he staggered in. "Oh man no...but he's...ME!"

"It's not that bad..." Julian offered him mock comfort, barely holding in fits of laughter.

"I got off with myself! That is so many kinds of wrong!" Noel's voice cracked towards the end of the sentence, and he rushed up the stairs in the direction of the bathroom, flinging the door open rapidly.

"Where are you doing?" Julian called out after him, just managing to speak between uncontrollable fits of laugher. "Are you looking in the mirror and trying to recapture the beautiful moment between you and yourself?"

"Shut up!" Julian heard Noel shout, before hearing the sound of running water. "Forget crashing on the sofa...I have some _serious_ teeth cleaning to do. Then...once I've done that, I am going to attempt to erase that imagine from my mind forever..."

"And then?" Julian shouted up the stairs.

"And then...I am actually going to kill you for making me do that horrible, _horrible _thing!"

Julian walked into the living room, still laughing. He lay down on Noel's sofa, exhausted from his hysterics, and studied a painting that was on the wall. It was Noel's own creation and one of his favourites. A silhouetted and slightly cartoony city against a deep purple sky. Julian thought to himself, if he had to give that colour purple a name...he would probably call it _Plush Velvet_.


End file.
